All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
