Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Randomize
