I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize