I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
