just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
