I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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