god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
