I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
