so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
