Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
