I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
