Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i think i have herpe
just one?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
