I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
