he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
