fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
