worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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