I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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