burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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