ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize