bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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