2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize