genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
