discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
