i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
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