i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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