I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize