I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
