Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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