there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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