life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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