After last night, I could never be a politician.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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