OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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