Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
