a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
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