Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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