Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
