McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
