There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
