evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize