the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
