Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
