i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
