I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
