i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
