Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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