the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just invented taco cereal.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
