totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
