I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
