You made me cry and you don't even care
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
