it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
