just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
