youre lurking in front of me
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
