I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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