I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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