Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm determined to sit on that face.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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