so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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