the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
