when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
