Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
