I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
