Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
