My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
