Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I have aggressive nipples.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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