I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
