Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Rumble strips road head = magical
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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