This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
