her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
