see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
